what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
by KawaiiGirl1215
Summary: Clary knew that most deep wounds left scars, she just wished this one didn't. One-shot. Book-verse. Set after CoHF


Trigger warning for slightly graphic rape. Please do not read if you cannot handle it.

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Clary was lying on a bed with white covers.

White walls surrounded her, and on a little table next to the bed sat a stack of books in a neat pile. She knew this place like the back of her hand: Jace's room in her father's old apartment, where she had spent some of the worst of her days, not knowing if she'd ever see her family, her friends, her _Jace_ again.

Suddenly the door opened, and Sebastian strode through. Clary felt herself seize up. She hadn't seen him in months, not since he'd died in the demon realm.

Her heart pounded in her ears. She knew she should fight, at least run, but she couldn't move.

He stopped in front of the bed, smiling. The white of his shirt blended into the white of the walls.

"Hello, Clary."

She couldn't move. Not even if she tried. There was a force keeping her sitting on the bed, paralyzed.

"Why don't you love me, Clary?" Sebastian continued, and his voice was almost… sorrowful.

"It's all right," he said when she didn't answer. "I forgive you for it. In fact, you shouldn't feel guilty. I'll make you love me. Then you won't have to feel sorry at all. You won't have to pretend to be with Jace Herondale. I'll make you forget all about him."

His grin was sickening, stretched tight over the harsh angles of his face.

He stepped closer, and his hand gripped her wrist, and suddenly she was up against the wall. How she had gotten there? She had been on the bed just a second ago.

She heard a laugh, but she wasn't in her body anymore. She was watching this happen, her mind forced to watch her body in paoin.

Sebastian laughed again, and said gleefully, "Don't worry, my Clary. I'll make you love me."

He shoved his lips roughly onto hers, and she couldn't struggle or move away. Clary was paralyzed once more, dread sinking lower and lower in her stomach as Sebastian's hands moved from their bruising grip on her face to her waist, and then up, up, up underneath her shirt. His fingers were ice-cold and Clary was suddenly overwhelmed with fear and hatred that made her eyes burn as his hands slid farther up until reaching padded cotton—

And then everything was dark.

Her heart was beating erratically, her breath was coming in gasps, and she could see the slight shimmer of sweat on her collarbones. The only light in the room was the streetlight's illumination that slanted in through the curtains. The surroundings were dim, but she could see the dresser in the corner, and nightstand on her left.

Jace's room. The Institute.

Clary's eyes fluttered closed as relief washed through her. She was at the Institute. Sebastian was dead. But then a pang went through her, and the sudden urge to cry, to be held.

 _Jace_ , she thought.

She turned around, blankets cocooning themselves around her, and she was met with luminous golden eyes, smiling sadly even though the face they were on was expressionless.

"I was just about to wake you up," Jace explained gruffly. Sleep still laced his voice. "But you did it yourself before I could try." He was on his elbows, watching her from above.

He saw the message in Clary's eyes. There was fear, anguish, and then anger at the fact that Sebastian still affected her.

She should've been stronger than this. She was a Shadowhunter. She had survived worse.

"It's okay," Jace murmured. "Come here." His arms were around her, warm, and his embrace was tight. There was so much about Jace that was different from Sebastian, it was hard to believe that they had been almost the same person once. But she knew; she had been there.

Before Clary realized, tears were leaking out of her eyes. She hiccuped, and Jace noticed, thumbing the tears away from her eyes softly. "Shh," he whispered.

"Why do I still dream about this? Why can't I just let it go?" Clary mumbled. "Everything's so confusing. I don't know whether to hate Sebastian or mourn Jonathan."

"I think you should be able to do both. Sebastian and Jonathan weren't the same person, after all. It'll get better," Jace said softly. "But I can't promise you won't go through hell and back before it does."

Clary laughed shakily. "Been there, done that."

Jace smiled. "Can I kiss you?" he asked, softly.

He had taken to asking since the first time she'd woken up gasping, still haunted by her brother and his cold fingers. He knew he didn't have to, yet he always did, and although Clary didn't want him to treat her like she was made of glass (though he never had), in a way, she was grateful.

Clary hesitated for the slightest second before nodding.

Jace slid down so that he was level with Clary and took her face in his hands and kissed her.

It always felt like the first time, Clary thought. His lips were always soft, always warm, and the spark was still there, even though the fire was gone. Jace turned her until she was on top of him. They broke apart.

 _Can I?_ He seemed to ask with his eyes. Clary smiled. _Okay._

She leaned downward just as he looked up and their lips crashed together, more intense than before. Jace's warm hands touched lightly at her back, and then more firmly as she didn't pull away. They were here, they were now.

But as soon as Jace's hands slid farther up her skin, rucking her shirt up, she was reminded of Sebastian forcing his hands under her shirt and her watching, outside of her body.

Clary jerked away, and Jace's hands fell from her sides to rub circles against the planes of her back.

The tears fell before she could stop them. God, she hated this, feeling so vulnerable, so broken. It didn't help that every time this happened, she burst into tears like a kindergartener that had fallen off her bike.

"I'm sorry," she muttered desperately. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong!"

"Clary, pull your shirt down," Jace instructed calmly. Only then did Clary shiver, feeling the cool air on her stomach.

"No, no, we can try again. It'll be better this time, I swear, please -" She couldn't have her stupid dreams messing up their relationship. Jace was the only thing keeping her together, if she ruined it, she would be over. In the back of her mind, she wondered if this was how Jace had felt, being possessed by Lilith.

"I don't want to try again."

Hearing those words, Clary sagged against his warm skin, and Jace reached over and pulled her T-shirt down for her.

She buried her face in the crook of his chest, too humiliated to face him after saying such a desperate, needy thing like that.

"Hey," Jace whispered.

It had been happening for a couple of weeks now. Every time they would go any farther than kissing, flashbacks of what had happened would fill Clary's mind and she'd be nothing short of shoving Jace away. She didn't know how to make it stop. And she knew it was hurting Jace too, to see her like this. But she couldn't help it.

She remembered finding relief in the fact that Jace was not treating her any differently, when she first told him. Then, she had been running mostly on adrenaline.

Now that the Dark War was over, it all came crashing back down on her. She was a hopeless little girl who couldn't keep the nightmares away.

Jace was the only one she'd told about what Sebastian had done. He never got angry at her for not being able to go any farther, but she knew it must be killing him to go from what they'd done in the demon realm down to barely even kissing. It was almost like he had the heavenly fire again.

"Hey," Jace repeated. "I think you should tell them. Simon, your mom, Luke. And Alec and Isabelle, if you want to."

The circles on her back never ceased. Clary burrowed deeper into Jace. It amazed her how he could go from hard muscle in battle to soft skin on nights like these.

She still couldn't believe that he was hers.

He went on, "I think it would help a lot. And I would be there with you, of course."

Clary's voice was muffled. "I don't know how my mom would react, or Luke, and Simon doesn't even have all his memories back yet. And Alec and Isabelle are still mourning Max."

She felt Jace stiffen at the boy's name.

"We all are," she continued softly.

"Still, that doesn't mean that we should hide our battle scars. I think you should try. I don't want to see you in pain anymore. It's like you keep telling me to deal with my feelings. Being a Shadowhunter doesn't mean being too strong to face your emotions, it means being strong enough to get through them afterwards. You're the one who taught me that," he persisted. His voice grew softer and more hesitant. "Talking to you about Valentine and my father… it made me feel better." His hands paused for a second, before starting again.

Clary hid her surprise. Jace had been becoming more vulnerable to her lately, but she hadn't expected him to say something like that. Clary took slight pleasure in the thought that she was the only one to see him like this.

"Okay," she whispered. "I'll do it." She could feel Jace's smile.

Suddenly she felt very tired, as if she'd just fought demons on four hours of sleep. Jace's body was warm next to her and the blankets around them were like a fort.

"Tomorrow, then," was the last thing she remembered Jace saying before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

There was a tense atmosphere in the room.

She was practicing fighting with other weapons than seraph blades, with Jace keeping a critical eye on her form and grip, when in walked Alec, coming from Magnus's apartment, and Isabelle from having gone shopping.

Clary paused mid-strike. She hadn't been expecting them until three.

Alec raised his eyebrows at her open mouth. "You wanted to talk to us, right?"

"Yes," Clary said, glancing at Jace. "Don't worry, we're not in any trouble. There's just… something we need to tell you."

At that moment, Luke, Jocelyn, and Simon walked in together.

"Are you alright, Clary?" Jocelyn rushed to ask, putting her hands on her daughter's face. "Nothing's happened, right?"

"I'm fine, mom," she reassured her. She glanced at Jace. _Sort of_ , they finished internally.

Simon was staring at the staffs, katanas, and knives in fascination. "Wow, I don't think I've ever been in here before."

Isabelle seemed to ponder this for a second. "You're right," she realized. "I'll give you the grand tour later." Then she turned and Clary realized they were all looking at her.

"Well, I didn't expect you all to come so soon, or to talk to you here, but since you're all here, why not?" Clary said, but her voice shook slightly. She and Jace had just been training when everyone had just shown up. She had to admit that she was taken slightly off guard.

Simon and Jocelyn simultaneously frowned.

Soon everyone had sat down on the floor. The large space was quiet, everyone expectantly waiting for Clary to begin.

Clary looked at Jace in alarm. Where would she start? What should she say? What would everyone else say?

Her breathing increased. Everybody noticed.

"Clary," Jace said, ignoring the others. "Calm down." He took both her hands in his and intertwined their fingers and rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles gently.

 _Right_ , she thought. _They're just words. You just have to say them. And this is my family._

"Um, well, I called all of you here today because I wanted to tell you about a secret I've been keeping. Sebastian, he… did something to me."

Jocelyn's eyes widened and she covered her mouth in horror as Clary continued on, recounting that night. Alec and Isabelle glanced at each other, eyes worried for Clary and relieved that the other was okay. Simon leaned back, faking calm, but his clenched fists said otherwise. Jace didn't look up from Clary's hands even once throughout the story.

As Clary finished, she repeated to everyone, "It happened before the fight at the Burren. And I… have been having nightmares ever since. I didn't want to worry you guys, but Jace convinced me to tell you. I just wish I didn't have to."

She sighed, feeling much lighter all of a sudden, and leaned against Jace, exhausted.

The first one to say anything was Simon, who was looking slightly confused. However, the anger in his eyes was unmistakeable. "I don't really understand all of it, but I really want to strangle this guy Sebastian. He's your brother too, isn't he?"

"He was," Clary answered, voice weary. It seemed like she expected this. "He's dead, so you can't really strangle him."

At those words, Jocelyn sagged against Luke. "I… I'm so sorry, Clary. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I was always worried about you, us living in New York, that it never occurred to me that this could happen anywhere else. We should have been here to support you."

"You couldn't have," Clary reminded her. "You didn't know. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I guess I didn't want to look like a little girl who was to be pitied."

Finally Alec spoke up. "Isabelle and Jace and I, we will always be mourning Max. But that doesn't make what happened to you any less important. I know what you're probably thinking, Clary," he said, meeting the redhead's eyes, " I don't know you as well as Jace does, but we all _know_ you. And you're like Jace in this way. You're not one to be pitied. Shadowhunters are part human and part angel. And nobody ever said that the angel part was the better part. Being scared doesn't make you a weaker Shadowhunter, it makes you a more human one. And I think we can all learn from that."

Clary felt her heart lift. Alec didn't make meaningful speeches often, but she could tell he meant it in the hard, yet sincere look in his eyes. Simon smiled in agreement.

Isabelle nodded too. _If you ever need to talk, I'm here,_ her eyes said.

"I'm glad you told us," Luke said warmly. "I hope it made you feel even slightly better. I know you'll get through this."

Looking at all the faces around her, the love and care in each one, Clary smiled. She thought about Jonathan, about her vision in the demon realm with him and his green eyes, and was calm. Sebastian was a completely different person, simply inhabiting the same body. Now he was dead, and couldn't hurt her anymore, couldn't hurt anyone else.

There was a wave of relief at the thought. It would take time and effort, but Clary was certain she could get through this, and in the end she would be a stronger Shadowhunter, no matter what happened along the way.

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Ending was _bleh_ to me, but thanks for reading! Leave a comment, if you please.


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